A first set of reflections by Marilyn Johnson, from a complementarian perspective, on a hot-off-the-press volume entitled Marriage at the Crossroads.
I echo the views that John expressed in his opening
post. I couldn't put this book down because I was so captivated by the
Tracys’ beautiful and compelling presentation of the soft complementarian model,
which my husband and I adopted five years ago, shortly after reading Emerson
Eggerichs’ Love & Respect. Similarly,
I found the Spencers to be outstanding ambassadors for the egalitarian model.
The core of the book consists of four chapters that focus on
discipleship, headship/submission, marital roles/decision making, and intimacy.
Each chapter is broken into three parts – the perspective of the egalitarian
Spencers, the perspective of the soft-complementarian Tracys, and a summary
that compares and contrasts what the two couples have presented. Authorship of
the summaries alternates between the couples.
Over the course of several posts, I’ll share reactions to each
of the four core topics addressed by the two couples.
Discipleship
The Spencers and the
Tracys have very similar views of what it means to be a disciple of Christ: “loyalty
to Jesus supersedes all other loyalties, including familial.” In addition, “love for Christ becomes the
foundation for marital love” and “marriage should be transformational…it is to
reveal our sin, build godly character and teach us how to love others.” I commend
the couples for choosing as their point of departure, an important reminder of
the many core beliefs that we all share.
But after I finished the
book, I concluded that there was, in fact, a significant difference in the two
couples’ understanding of what it means for a Christian couple to be a witness for
Christ in a hurting world. The Tracys
In contrast, I heard the Spencers emphasizing that their
marriage provides a haven of rest that refreshes and equips the two of them to
reach out to others, with their service to a hurting world being their primary
witness. I was left wondering whether
this difference between the two couples (which I believe to be a matter of
emphasis, versus a difference in principle) is implied by their differing
theological frameworks or is attributable to some other factor.
To be continued.
Bibliography
Emerson Eggerichs, Love
& Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs
(Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004); Aída Besançon Spencer,
William David Spencer, Steve Tracy, and Celestia Tracy,
Marriage at the Crossroads: Couples in Conversation About Discipleship,
Gender Roles, Decision Making and Intimacy (Downers Grove: IVP Academic,
2009)
I was immediatly resistant to the book,"Love and Respect". At first I thought it was the formulatic approach, or maybe the feeling that I had to lie to myself about respecting him when I didn't. After thought and counsel with others who read the book, I understood that MY problem was the basic premiss that begins with having two people who mean each other no harm. Now I assume that means mental, physical, and emotional harm. I couldn't mentally protect myself against the mental and emotional assult and still work up the necessay level of respect to even begin. The whole concept of the book made me feel like a failure and I had to make it clear to several people who felt the book was the best thing to come along in a long time, that it wasn't for everybody at every time. I've left my church, and found another, my husband doesn't attend church any more. We're doing better, but respect is not yet fully intact on either side.
Posted by: c schmitz | May 30, 2010 at 08:26 AM
Thank you, Connie, for your honest words.
Often people in dire straits look for a book and a specific approach to undo years and even decades of dysfunction. No matter how good the approach is, that won't happen if part of the healing process requires first of all a commitment to embrace further separation and distance from the one we would like to draw closer to.
I wish you well on your journey and your walk with God. If you are not yet aware of it, you might consider another book, Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas. It is not a how-to book. But it offers a realistic and hopeful perspective on the rather common experience of difficult marriage.
Posted by: JohnFH | May 30, 2010 at 08:59 AM