Two wives are better than one: What I learned about gender while excavating at Tell Qarqur (Part Two)

Mahmoud, the oldest of the boys who worked with me on the acropolis, was taciturn, but his younger cousin, all of 16, was light-hearted, and easily broke into a smile. That all changed one day. A cloud hung over the latter’s head. Mahmoud explained. His cousin had been informed that for the second time, a marriage had been arranged for him.

    My kids were from prominent families in the village. Marriage serves to cement alliances between families. From that point of view, two wives are better than one.

    From a 16 year old’s point of view, the thought of what lie ahead was like a death sentence (two mother-in-laws!). He bore a visible weight on his shoulders, though the consummation of both marriages, and attendant responsibilities, lay years in the future.

    Marriage in many cultures is a way for a family to expand its power and influence. Whose family? I’m not sure there is a general rule. Observations I have made suggest that the bride’s family is the one that makes the play. If that is true, it’s no wonder my happy-go-lucky 16 year old friend was happy no more. He knew that, aside from his family of origin, the eyes of two additional extended families were on him from now on, eyes that sized him up, and owned him. Eyes of people who would always regard the women he would marry as theirs. Eyes of people who would regard his children as their children.

    In Syria of old, according to a biblical writer, the same situation obtained. Long after Laban was to have relinquished his daughters to his son-in-law Jacob, he talked like this (Gen 31:43):

וַיַּעַן לָבָן וַיֹּאמֶר אֶל־יַעֲקֹב

הַבָּנוֹת בְּנֹתַי   וְהַבָּנִים בָּנַי     וְהַצֹּאן צֹאנִי

וְכֹל אֲשֶׁר־אַתָּה רֹאֶה           לִי הוּא

Laban replied and said to Jacob:

The daughters are my daughters,        the children, my children,       the flocks, my flocks:
all that you see                                    is mine.

    Talk about being owned! In the dialogue following, Laban admits that what he sees as his is not his to oversee: “But now what have I to say about my daughters and the children they have borne?” He goes on to compel Jacob to agree not to jeopardize the position of his daughters and grand-children by marrying other women (Gen 31:50). In traditional cultures - and according to Freudian and Lacanian psychology, one's family of origin is always one's primary family. Laban defends the interests of his family in calculated disregard of the wishes of its members and of the interests of Jacob and his family. To this day, this is the true meaning of “family values” in culture after culture around the world. 

Tel Qarqur series:

Walk before me
Two wives are better than one
Coming of age
Law and Gospel

Comments

[True Grit 1]

Upon reflection after reading this post, I couldn’t help but to put myself in this young man’s shoes, or even his future wives. This is so unfamiliar to the country where we come from so it is hard for me to imagine, or so it used to be. As I get older I find myself learning more of this way of life through my Sociology class in high school, and even on television. On the cable channel TLC, there is a newer show being aired called Sister Wives. Together this man and all four of his wives are in the process of raising 16 children in a polygamist family and sharing it with the world over live televison. In my opinion this helps raise awareness of this type of family and decreases the quickness to judge, but to learn and accept. Maybe this family has a different reason to live this way than this 16 year old young man described in the blog post, but polygamy happens other than just ways of culture and religion. Some enjoy the decision, others don’t seem as happy. It’s your life, so I think you should be able to do what you please with it.

[Breaker Morant 5]

I agree with True Grit 1 in that Polygamy seems so foreign to us in America. We are so used to the idea of marriage being between two people that anything else just seems wrong. If we take the time to examine cultures that practice Polygamy we can find that it’s not bad-it’s just different. The boy’s dread of gaining 2 mother-in-laws was something that I had never thought of before. I always thought of Polygamy as the women having to share one husband and forced to do hard labor. However, the males in the relationship have different pressures on them as well. Learning about other cultures can help us see that different practices like Polygamy aren’t as bad as the media makes them out to be.

[Nell 4]

Wow after reading this post I was thinking the same exact thing True Grit 1 was about the new TV show of Sister Wives. Every time I watch the show, I can't seem to understand the concept why one husband would put all of his children and wives through living together while he is the only man in the house. I feel that with having that many children and wives there should be more father figures in the household, but it’s not my culture to judge. Everyone makes their own decisions and choices in life, and if polygamy makes these families happy then by all means. I can say I do find the polygamy culture very interesting and would like to learn more about it for sure.

[Lior A]

While I most definitely agree with TG1, BM3, and N4 in that I thought of Sister Wives when I read this post, I have to say the subject family of the show, although practicing polygamists, is not even comparable to the situation of the young man mentioned. The television show follows a man who, in accordance with the rules of his religion, is allowed to go out and find women that he thinks will be a good addition to his family that consists of multiple wives and numerous children. While both situations are religiously backed, the young man had no say in who he married. This example of polygamy, like so many in Eastern countries and even throughout Biblical history is more about connecting two families for agricultural and financial gain as well as allowing a male to produce more offspring (preferably male) to carry on his family name. The young man in the story had a lot of responsibility thrust upon him, so it’s more than understandable that he was upset and nervous.
When learning about polygamy and the cultures that practice it, one must make sure to first research the roots of polygamy before using reality TV to try and understand it.

[Breaker Morant 2]

There is something about arranged marriages that always fascinates me. I’m not quite sure what it is but I can’t help but to always put myself in the girl’s position. I am engaged and cannot even imagine what it would be like to have my own parent’s pick out someone for me to marry (someone I probably would never truly love). I do not even want to think about my future husband having more than one wife or even having wives before me. Marriage is something so special I could not imagine sharing the person. I know for some cultures that this is normal and that the women do not mind but I think that is also caused by a little difference in the definition of love between us and other cultures. Overall the post was interesting and I think it was exciting that you got to experience the reactions of people first hand.

[praying with lior 10]

I agree with BM2, I don’t know what I’d do if I was told my marriage was arranged for me. I would be upset because not only do my parents have no idea the kind of person I look for in a partner, but also the fact that I would never be able to choose a life for myself – the (probably) most important detail of my life would already be decided. Arranged marriages are such a foreign concept for me, I still have trouble picturing a situation in which it would be acceptable to choose a spouse for your child. One element I don’t understand is the fact that marriages are generally arranged in combining families, and have a lot to do with personal belongings and wealth. Now don’t get me wrong, I could be wrong on that statement. I don’t know much more about arranged marriages than from what I have heard about in sociology classes. Shouldn’t the union of marriage be between two people who love each other?
I attempted to look up online if the Bible says anything against arranged marriage, but instead I found a question on if God will bless an arranged marriage. Here is a part of the answer that I found really interesting.
“I asked a Hindu woman some years ago how she felt about her future arranged marriage. She believed that an arranged marriage was better than one based on emotions. She believed that her parents could make a better non-emotional decision based on faith, wealth, personalities, and other factors. She said that true love comes only after years of living together. Love does not blossom into a full flower while dating or indulging in pre-marital sex. Marriage is learning to live with and love another person. Marriages based on emotions often result in divorce. She was correct.” (http://www.neverthirsty.org/pp/corner/read2/r00827.html)
The last line especially made me rethink arranged marriages. We all know the divorce rate of couples is just over 50% now. Malachi 2:14 states that marriage is about COMMITMENT to your partner. Maybe this woman is right – maybe arranged marriages should be a more common ordeal in our Western society.

[Nell 5]

I agree with TG1. I think the reason why a lot of Americans are so against polygamy is because the idea of sharing a husband is completely against our culture. There have been specials on television on not just polygamy, but also on married couples who chose to have other relationships within their marriage. It’s important to keep an open mind to people’s differences and beliefs that they may have. I personally cannot imagine sharing my future husband, when he does come along, with any other women. To me, it would be equivalent to cheating on me.

[Shawshank Redemption 3]

I really don't think that polygamy is all that foreign to America. It does happen and it has been happening for a very long time. I just think that most people don't know about it because the majority of Americans are Christians and do not practice polygamy, therefore it is not spoken of. However, with new media today, polygamy is becoming more known about. The media shows a more positive side of polygamy, where the sister wives have a say in who their husband will marry and they split up the household chores among themselves. However, I could see how it could be a more stressful event if the marriages were arranged. I can also see how polygamy could be gender bias. Some people accept men taking multiple wives, but many people would look down upon a woman taking multiple husbands. There are some cultures and religions however that have the women taking multiple husbands, but it is not very common. Whenever I think of polygamy I think of the 1969 Clint Eastwood movie Paint Your Wagon which is about a bunch of men looking for gold and they build a town with a population of only men. One day a Mormon comes through town with two wives and they talk him into auctioning one of them off. Clint Eastwood's partner drunkenly buys her and immediately marries her and the three of them live together. By the end of the movie she announces that she is in love with both of them and wants to marry them both. When she tells them this, they are appalled that she would even think of such an idea. But she, like me, can't understand why it was acceptable for her Mormon husband to have multiple wives, but she cannot have multiple husbands.

[Breaker Morant]

In my culture, polygamy is still being practiced among the older generation who came to the U.S. with multiple wives (but would be legally married to only one wife). The reason for multiple of wives was not just to have them but was because of the agricultural lifestyle back where we have lived. Some husbands kept the multiple of wives in the U.S. because they still held that notion in them. Of course, those who were raised and/or born in the U.S. do not practice that anymore. Being born in the U.S., I find it wrong and unjust. I do not think that it is right at all, even those who have multiple wives still here in the U.S.
A different issue though now is international marriages. Many of the older men are either divorcing or wanting another wife are going overseas to find "younger" wives to bring back with them to the U.S. Now THAT is a different issue that needs to be talked about. I'm sure that is not just happening within my culture but others, too.

[True Grit 3]

Polygamy seems like just something you hear about, you don’t really think it’s real. There is a show on TLC called Sister Wives, and the husband have 4 wives. I don’t understand it at all, and I would never be able to live like that. I believe that it should be on man and one woman. That is the way I was brought up and that is what is believed in my religion.

[Shawshank Redemption 4]

I agree 100% with True Grit 1. I think of Sister Wives also and the fact that polygamy is completely foreign to most of the United States. I can't say that I agree or disagree with it. I just know that it would never work for me. I believe marriage is between two people. Once you start adding more to the marriage, things get way to complicated. They need to think about the kids. How confusing it must be for them and how it will affect them in the long run. Marriage is something so special and all these stipulations are ruining it. Marriage most definitely is losing how special it is when you add more people to the mix. But then I have mixed feelings because I have always been a believer that whatever makes someone happy is what they should do. Very confusing stuff for me, just another thing I will have to work through.

[Truman Show 2]

Naturally when I hear death sentence I remember the book In Cold Blood, but this brings a whole new meaning. I see and hear about problems many couples have with just one set of in-laws and couldn’t imagine the turmoil between two families. Especially, when there is a chance that each side might be competing with the other. I can’t imagine the stress of having to support two wives and constantly be under surveillance by two families not including my own. I also believe that is way too young to start a family but my guess is that’s just because in our culture teenagers are mainly focused on getting through high school and getting a driver’s license at sixteen. After reading Sirach 26 I hope for his sake he has the joy and blessings of two good wives and not the worst of evils: two wicked wives.

[Dead Man Walking 3]

In America the media can sometimes show a more manly way of doing things. This blog really flips my world upside down thinking the way the sixteen year old does. He looks immediately at having too many mother-In-laws as being the worst thing with all the responsibilities. I believe I have a bad way of looking at things when I see it as different when the bible goes into Laban claiming everything his own and not Jacobs. The weight is put on him at sixteen supporting two different families, when we are learning just how to drive and get through high school. I agree with the other blogs before me in how this is mind blowing and unreal.

[Praying with Lior 2]

I cannot imagine practicing a religion or living in a culture where there are arranged marriages. I respect people who practice this, but I would not be able to do it. Marriage shouldn’t be, “a way for a family to expand its power and influence.” It should be about love and wanting to spend the rest of your life with another human being. If I was told I would be getting married in a couple years when I was 16 I would be depressed as well.

I have never watched the show Sister Wives, but I do think it is a good idea to have a show like this. It gives viewers a different perspective of this lifestyle, because like many of those who have posted on this blog, I am not familiar with polygamy. This show is a good way to show people what it is and maybe cause people to not judge those who practice this lifestyle so quickly. I do not agree with polygamy, but I do believe that people should be able to practice what they believe it is not causing

[Pulp Fiction 4]

This post made me think about how weird the family systems in the U.S. really are. We have people who get divorced and then remarried many times, with the children getting shipped back and forth between the parents. We have mothers who end up taking care of children by themselves because father panic and run away. While the idea of sharing your love with more than one spouse seems strange to us, the marriages in Syria seem a lot more structurally sound than many of the situations we have here.

[Dead man walking 4]

This article really made me think of the term “family values.” I was assumed that the term was defined to man, wife and there children. That values that they teach to their future offspring on life through their perspectives and beliefs could continue in their family. I never really thought of it as a way to expand the power or wealth some may hold, but in different countries around the world they do have marriages for those reasons. It is a way that families can retain and continue to have a powerful heritage.

[Chariots of Fire 2]

Polygamy and or arranged marriages are definitely a few topics that never have really crossed my mind. This post is so different from everything else and gives you a little idea about this topic. I think there are a good percentage of people that believe in marrying one and only one person of their choice. Some important things about marriage is falling in love and being with someone that you feel strongly towards. I could not imagine being forced into an arranged marriage. I understand that in some cultures they believe that it is the best way and approve of multiple partners, but I think it kind of devalues the idea of true love. Everyone should have the opportunity to find love and by having more than one wife or husband, you don’t really appreciate each other enough as if you only had one. Also the idea that the males are then owned by the female’s family is a lot to just hand over. I think marriage is a big commitment and it is evident that different cultures value the idea of having multiple partners differently.

[The Truman Show 5]

I could not imagine living in a world were our marriages are arranged. I think that when I chose to live the rest of my life with one person I need to love her. With the arranged marriages I think that the tensions between the two parties would be too great to be able to form a loving emotional connection.
I really like what Dead Man Walking 4 said about “‘family values’”. In our current society the nuclear families are dwindling. Children are growing up without having both parents and are becoming problem children.